Christian jokes. Gotta’ love ’em. Without further ado, here’s what I got:
You might be a Southern Baptist if:
- You think God’s presence is strongest on the back three pews.
- Your definition of fellowship has something to do with food.
- You honestly believe that the Apostle Paul spoke King James English.
- You think Jesus actually used Welch’s grape juice and saltine crackers.
- You think someone who says “Amen” while the preacher is preaching might be a Charismatic.
- You clapped in church and felt guilty about it all week.
- You got saved at 6 years old.
- You are old enough to get a senior discount at the pharmacy, but not old enough to promote to the Senior Adult Sunday School.
- You judge all church meals by the quantity and quality of the fried chicken.
- You’ve ever gossipped about how much someone else gossips.
- You have never sung the third verse of any hymn.
- Why don’t Baptists believe in premarital sex?
- Because it might lead to dancing.
- What’s the difference between a Pentecostal and a Baptist?
- One believes in a second blessing and one believes in a second helping.
Jews don’t recognize Jesus as the Son of God.
Protestants don’t recognize the pope as the Ruler of the Church.
Baptists don’t recognize each other in a liquor store.
One day a man dies, who was a devout Christian. Saint Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and begins to give him a tour of Heaven. As the tour goes on, Saint Paul points out all the different Christians. “There’s the Catholics, there’s the Lutherans, the Methodists, the Presbyterians”, and so forth. As they come to this one group way off to themselves, Saint Paul motions for the man to come closer and whispers. “Now, for this next group, we need to be really quiet. They are the Baptists and they think they’re the only ones here.”
How do we know Adam was Baptist? Only a Baptist could stand next to a naked woman and be tempted by food.
A teacher asked her students to bring an item to class that represented their religious beliefs. A Catholic student brought a crucifix. A Jewish student brought a Menora. A Southern Baptist student brought a casserole.
A Dictionary of Arminian Terms
- All (1): All always means all. Yup, Jesus died for every single human, including those already dead and in hell, and even including himself.
(2): (as to sin) If its related to sin, “all” doesn’t include babies.
- Arminius, Jacob: The first church father.
- Assurance: Keep trying, hopefully you’ll make it, but since you have libertarian free will, you could just flip sides one day. Never can tell.
- Bible: Cool book with stories that can be used as springboards into inspiring sermons about nothing to do with the text whatsoever. (See exegesis.)
- Calvinism: We love everyone, because God is love. Calvinists are devil worshipers, their God is the devil, and Calvinism is a devil worshiping doctrine. We love them.
- Calvin, John: Satan incarnated.
- Dead (1): (as to Christ) Really, complete dead. Unable to see, hear, or respond to stimuli.
(2): (as to Adam’s posterity) Somewhat sick. It’s hard to see, hear, or respond to the Gospel.
- Determinism: False Calvinist teaching that God makes sure that his plan will come about.
- Devil Worship: What Calvinism leads to. (Really.)
- Drawing: Wooing. Usage example: “Drawing doesn’t mean God will surely bring men to himself, he (now, pooch lips out, making a small opening, and, in a low voice say) woooos them.”
- Effectual call: Unbiblical Calvinist doctrine. Just as Calvinists try to make unwarranted leaps from physical death to spiritual death, they also make unwarranted leaps from earthly careers like “Shepherding,” viz., “My sheep hear my voice, I know them, they follow me,” to how God brings in his people in the flock, er fold, er, group.
- Election: God’s “choosing” of people who chose him first. Kind of like me “voting” for the president after November 4th, 2008.
- Evil: Something God cannot decree (except in the case of Jesus since God decreed his death at the purposeful hands of humans)
- Exegesis: What?
A Dictionary of Calvinist Terms
- All (1): (as to salvation) The elect. Duh.
(2): (as to sin) All means all, and that’s all all means.
- Arminianism: see false Gospel.
- Arminius, Jacob: Father of heresies.
- Assurance: If you’re elect, you’re guaranteed a spot in heaven. No worries. Nothing can separate you from the love of God. How do you know you’re elect? Well…
- Bible: Book with lots of random references to Calvinism.
- Calvinism: A nickname for the Gospel.
- Calvin, John: The only divinely inspired prophet since the closing of the canon.
- Determinism: God determined from eternity past how your child will die.
- Drawing: Forceful and irresistible, but altogether pleasant, dragging by God.
- Effectual call: When God flicks the switch in your heart to make you love Him for realsies. But He only does that to the elect.
- Election: How God segregated the human race into Calvinists and everyone else.
- Evil: God’s clever invented enemy He crushed to make Himself look good.
- Exegesis: The art of making all of the Bible Calvinist.
Light Bulb Denominational Jokes
- How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
- One, since his/her hands are in the air anyway.
- How many Calvinists does it take to change a lightbulb?
- None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.
- How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
- 10, as they need to hold a debate into whether or not the lightbulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the lightbulb they may not go ahead and change it for fear of alienating those who use fluorescent tubes.
- How many Anglo-Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb?
- None. They always use candles instead.
- How many Arminians does it take to change a light bulb?
- Arminians do not change light bulbs. They simply read out the instructions and hope the light bulb will decide to change itself.
- How many Atheists does it take to change a lightbulb?
- One. But they are still in darkness.
- How many Brethren does it take to change a light bulb?
- How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
- 10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness.
- How many TV evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb?
- One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.
- How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change a lightbulb?
- One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.
- How many charismatics does it take to change a lightbulb?
- Three. One to cast it out and two to catch it when it falls.
Cheesy Dialogue Jokes
A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.
“Not Gutenberg?” gasped the collector.
“Yes, that was it!”
“You idiot! You’ve thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!”
“Oh, I don’t think this book would have been worth anything close to that much,” replied the man. “It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther.”
There was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his customers more than he had been doing lately. So the next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said, “Today I am going to witness to the first man that walks through my door.”
Soon after he opened his shop the first man came in and said, “I want a shave!” The barber said, “Sure, just sit in the seat and I’ll be with you in a moment.” The barber went in the back and prayed a quick desperate prayer saying, “God, the first customer came in and I’m going to witness to him. So give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say to him. Amen.”
Then quickly the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying “Good morning sir. I have a question for you… Are you ready to die?”
A boy was sitting on a park bench with one hand resting on an open Bible. He was loudly exclaiming his praise to God. “Hallelujah! Hallelujah! God is great!” he yelled without worrying whether anyone heard him or not.
Shortly after, along came a man who had recently completed some studies at a local university. Feeling himself very enlightened in the ways of truth and very eager to show this enlightenment, he asked the boy about the source of his joy.
“Hey” asked the boy in return with a bright laugh, “Don’t you have any idea what God is able to do? I just read that God opened up the waves of the Red Sea and led the whole nation of Israel right through the middle.”
The enlightened man laughed lightly, sat down next to the boy and began to try to open his eyes to the “realities” of the miracles of the Bible. “That can all be very easily explained. Modern scholarship has shown that the Red Sea in that area was only 10-inches deep at that time. It was no problem for the Israelites to wade across.”
The boy was stumped. His eyes wandered from the man back to the Bible laying open in his lap. The man, content that he had enlightened a poor, naive young person to the finer points of scientific insight, turned to go. Scarcely had he taken two steps when the boy began to rejoice and praise louder than before. The man turned to ask the reason for this resumed jubilation.
“Wow!” exclaimed the boy happily, “God is greater than I thought! Not only did He lead the whole nation of Israel through the Red Sea, He topped it off by drowning the whole Egyptian army in 10 inches of water!”
Pearly Gates Jokes
A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven.
There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No?
St. Peter told him that’s bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No?
St. Peter told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No?
St. Peter was becoming concerned. Exasperated, Peter says, “Look, everybody does something nice sometime.
Work with me, I’m trying to help. Now think!”
The man says, “There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell’s Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face”.
“Wow”, said Peter, “That’s impressive. When did this happen”?
“Oh, about 10 minutes ago”, replied the man.
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, “Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what’s your story?”
So the first man replies: “Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he wouldn’t fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn’t stand that for long, so he let go and fell — but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony.”
“That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
“It’s been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn’t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I’m here.”
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
“Picture this,” says the third man, “I’m hiding inside a refrigerator…”