…But the first one is:
The 12 Days of Calvinism
On the first day of Christmas my Calvin explained to me, the fallen nature of man.
On the second day of Christmas my Calvin explained to me, called and chosen, and the fallen nature of man.
On the third day of Christmas my Calvin explained to me, John chapter six, called and chosen, and the fallen nature of man.
On the fourth day of Christmas my Calvin explained to me, Synod of Dordt, John chapter six, called and chosen, and the fallen nature of man.
On the fifth day of Christmas my Calvin explained to me 5 GOLDEN POINTS! Synod of Dordt, John chapter six, called and chosen, and the fallen nature of man.
On the sixth day of Christmas my Calvin explained to me, world isn’t world, 5 GOLDEN POINTS! Synod of Dordt; John chapter six; called and chosen, and the fallen nature of man.
On the seventh day of Christmas my Calvin explained to me, predestination, world isn’t world, 5 GOLDEN POINTS! Synod of Dordt; John chapter six; called and chosen, and the fallen nature of man.
On the eighth day of Christmas my Calvin explained to me belief is a work, predestination, world isn’t world, 5 GOLDEN POINTS! Synod of Dordt; John chapter six; called and chosen, and the fallen nature of man.
On the ninth day of Christmas my Calvin explained to me, errors of middle knowledge, belief is a work, predestination, world isn’t world, 5 GOLDEN POINTS! Synod of Dordt; John chapter six; called and chosen, and the fallen nature of man.
On the tenth day of Christmas my Calvin explained to, Arminian heresy, errors of middle knowledge, belief is a work, predestination, world isn’t world, 5 GOLDEN POINTS! Synod of Dordt; John chapter six; called and chosen, and the fallen nature of man.
On the eleventh day of Christmas my Calvin explained to me, Romans 8-9; Arminian heresy, errors of middle knowledge, belief is a work, predestination, world isn’t world, 5 GOLDEN POINTS! Synod of Dordt; John chapter six; called and chosen, and the fallen nature of man.
On the twelfth day of Christmas my Calvin explained to me that I’m really a Calvin, Romans 8-9; Arminian heresy, errors of middle knowledge, belief is a work, predestination, world isn’t world, 5 GOLDEN POINTS! Synod of Dordt; John chapter six; called and chosen, and the fallen nature of man.
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: “Stop. Don’t do it.”
“Why shouldn’t I?” he asked.
“Well, there’s so much to live for!”
“Are you religious?”
He said, “Yes.”
I said, “Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?”
“Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?”
“Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?”
“Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?”
“Baptist Church of God.”
“Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?”
“Reformed Baptist Church of God.”
“Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?”
He said: “Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915.”
I said: “Die, heretic scum!” and pushed him off.
More Light Bulb Jokes
How many of these guys does it take to change a light bulb?
- Church of Christ: Light bulbs aren’t in the Bible, so we don’t use them.
- Catholics: None; they use candles. (However, they will consider commissioning an expensive stained glass window.)
- Amish: What’s a light bulb?
- Mormons: Just one man, with his 10 wives.
- Baptists: 16. 5 for a committee to nominate people to the oversee the new light bulb committee, 5 for the light bulb committee, 1 to change the bulb, and 5 to cook fried chicken for the whole ordeal.
- Pentecostals: Who needs light bulbs when the Holy Spirit is burning so brightly?
- Lutherans: The bulb need not be changed, for God has declared it bright though it is simultaneously dark.
A Sunday school teacher asked her children, “Why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” A little girl replied, “Because so many people are sleeping!”
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her young charges. After explaining the commandment to “Honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill!”
At Sunday School the teacher was explaining how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when she described how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as if he were ill, and she asked, “Johnny, what’s the matter?” Little Johnny responded, “I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife!”
A Sunday School teacher said to her children, “We have been learning about how powerful the kings and queens were in Biblical times. But there is an even higher power. Who can tell me what it is?” George blurted out, “I know, Aces!”
A priest and a bus driver both died and went to Heaven at the same time. They get to the pearly gates where Pope St. Peter greets them. He motions to the priest, and they both hop in a jeep and go out the back door. There are about 50 acres of rolling hills with a little cottage on the knoll.
St. Peter turns to the priest and says “This will be yours for eternity. A perfect little cottage, right next to lovely pond, a lush little garden, and a library full of books.”
The priest says, “Thank you so much. This I shall enjoy!” St. Peter drops off the priest, goes back to the pearly gates and motions to the bus driver.
They hop in a stretch limo and go out the front door. There are about 500 acres of land, with mountains and lakes and rivers. There is a huge 200-room castle on one of the mountains, and a wishing well that makes wishes come true. St. Peter says “This will be yours for eternity. You can live in that castle with servants to wait on you hand and foot, and you can have everything you want.”
The bus driver looks and St. Peter and says “Well, now, don’t think I’m not grateful, but why am I getting so much more than the priest?”
St. Peter just laughs and says “You brought more souls to Heaven! When the priest preached, everyone fell asleep. When you drove your bus, people prayed!”
Three men have just arrived in Heaven, and they are all waiting outside of a room for a debriefing interview with St. Peter.
The first man is an old mystic, and he is called into the room. He is in there for about an hour, and when he comes out he has tears of joy and relief streaming down his face. He is overheard saying to himself: “I was afraid I was wrong about so many things!”
The second man is an evangelical pastor. After he is called into the room, he is in there for a few hours. When he comes out, he’s shaking his head in disbelief, and he looks troubled. He says to himself as he leaves: “I can’t believe I was so foolish!”
The third man is called in. He is a fundamentalist, and he goes into the room with an old Bible – the King James Version – that is dog eared and has bookmarks all over. He’s in there for days. Finally, the doors open and Jesus comes out saying, “I can’t believe it! I was wrong about everything!”
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, “Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what’s your story?”
So the first man replies: “Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he wouldn’t fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn’t stand that for long, so he let go and fell—but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony.”
“That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
“It’s been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn’t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I’m here.”
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. “Picture this,” says the third man, “I’m hiding inside a refrigerator…”
Augustine dies and in heaven he gets some time to talk with God. When he comes out he says, “Now I understand the beauty of the Trinity!”
John Calvin dies and goes in to see God. When he comes out he says, “Now I understand predestination!”
Karl Barth dies and goes in to see God. Some time later God comes out and says, “I have no idea what he is talking about!”
A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together. St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homes where they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter’s holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, “Here is your home for the rest of eternity. Enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.”
Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says “Here you go” and goes to leave when the forester says “Hey, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?”
St. Peter says: “Well, foresters are a dime a dozen here, but we have never had a lawyer before.”
Three men were killed in a plane crash. An American, a Scotsman, and a Canadian. When they got up to the gates, they started whining that their lives had been taken too early. The gatekeeper agreed, but they had to pay forty bucks to go back down to earth.
When the American got down there, people asked him where the other two were. “Well, I just payed the $40. The Scottish guy’s haggling, and the Canadian is waiting for the government to pay it for him.”
A Couple Random Jokes with No Better Category
A woman and her nagging, grumpy husband went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the husband died. The undertaker told the wife “I could ship your husband’s body back home to be buried, but it will cost you $10,000. Instead, I could just bury him right here in the Holy Land and it will only cost you $100.”The wife thought about it for awhile, and then told him to just ship him back home. The undertaker was perplexed. “But it will cost you $10,000 to ship him back, why not just do it here?”
The wife replied: “I heard that a man died here once, was buried, and after three days, he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”
How do you get a professional theological blogger/author off your porch?
Pay him for your pizza
Chicken Crossing Jokes
Theologians (and not-really-theologians) answer: “Why did the chicken cross the road?”
Greg Boyd: It was always an open possibility that the chicken would cross the road. Not even God knew ahead of time what it would do.
Rick Warren: It was a purpose-driven chicken.
Rachel Held Evans: The chicken was commanded by God to stay on this side of the road, but it failed the test, and maybe that’s okay, because a God who says things like that might not be the real God.
John Piper: God decreed that the chicken would cross the road to maximize His glory.
Irenaeus: By crossing the road, the chicken undid all of the sin of its ancestors in refusing to cross the road, and by its obedience canceled their disobedience.
C. S. Lewis: If a chicken finds itself with a desire that nothing on this side can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that it was created for the other side.
Fred Phelps: God hates chickens.
Martin Luther: The chicken was leaving Rome because the Pope is an excellent person, as skillful, clever, and versed in Holy Scripture as a cow in a walnut tree or a sow on a harp.
Tim LaHaye: The chicken was afraid of being left behind.
Joel Osteen: The chicken wanted to live his best life now, and he had to find that fulfillment on the other side of the road.
Mark Driscoll: The chicken crossed the road to be a man! But wait. Hey! That [expletive deleted] chicken stole my beer!
N. T. Wright: This act of the chicken, which would be unthinkable in British barnyards, reeks of that American individualism that is destructive to community.
Karl Barth: The chicken crossed the road because it found itself in encounter with the God of the Gospel who appears in Jesus Christ, and in midst of that act of revelation found himself freed, freed for faith, faith to cross the road.
John Calvin: The chicken was predestined to cross the road.