Holy Ha Ha Ha

What do churches and laser guns have in common? Pew.

I accepted Jesus as my savior, but He keeps using ‘Save As…’ and now there are more than 87 of me.

A man walks into a Presbyterian church during worship and they’re singing “I Have Decided to Follow Jesus.” (That’s it. That’s the joke.)

What do Calvinists sing when they give the invitation? “Que, Sera, Sera…”

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

Why wasn’t Jesus born in the USA? Because God couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

What do they call pastors in Germany? German Shepherds.

How do groups of angels greet each other? Halo, halo, halo.

Who was the smartest man in the Bible? Abraham. He knew a Lot.

Who was the fastest runner in the race? Adam, because he was first in the human race.

Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? Samson, because he brought the house down.

Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? Pharaoh’s daughter. She went down to the Nile and drew out a prophet.

Pickup lines:

Now I know why Solomon had 700 wives… Because he never met you.

Is it hot in here or is that just the Holy Spirit burning inside of you?

So last night I was reading in the book of Numbers, and I realized… I don’t have yours!

I didn’t believe in predestination until I met you tonight.

My spiritual gift is my good looks… It lifts people’s spirits.

Is this the transfiguration? Because you are glowing.

I used to believe in natural theology, but since I met you I’ve converted to divine revelation.

I believe one of my ribs belongs to you.

Is it a sin that you stole my heart?

Is your name Faith? Cause you’re the substance of things I’ve hoped for.

You make the Queen of Sheba look like a hobo.

Did you say your name was Esther? Oh, I guess I just thought you were chosen for such a time as this.

You and me, we’re like loaves and fishes. We just might be a miracle together.

I know you’ve already said no once, but call me Joshua because I’m going to break down your walls.

You are so unblemished that I would sacrifice you.

Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead.

How many times do I have to walk around you to make you fall for me?

I’d marry Leah if it meant I’d also get to marry you.

I'm 22. I'm married with a toddler and a newborn. love Jesus Christ. I grew up a Southern Baptist and now situate myself within Evangelical Calvinism (which isn't TULIP!). I also draw substantially from N. T. Wright, Peter Leithart, and Alastair Roberts. I go to the Baptist College of Florida. I'm also a bit nerdy.