The Caleb Statement


Time are tough. People disagree on lots of things. We Christians need to stand together on the big, important issues lest the rising tide of secularism sweep us all away and destroy the Gospel. To do this, I issue the following statement, and I hope that others will sign it to show their courage and solidarity with Christ. For He says, “whoever denies me before men, I also will deny before my Father who is in heaven.”

Article 1

I affirm that bow-ties are cool and are the proper attire for all men of class and virtue, day or night.
I deny that wearing a bow-tie is sufficient for salvation, though the Christian will certainly be rewarded in heaven for doing so.

Article 2

I affirm that lifelong celibacy is God’s will for more people than most would expect, particularly including my sister and most Game of Thrones fans.
I deny that lifelong celibacy is God’s will for pastors and priests. Take that, papists!

Article 3

I affirm that God might have created Adam and Eve in 3930 BC.
I deny that I (or most anyone else) have any actual idea how or when creation took place.

Article 4

I affirm that my wife is my superior in all respects except for the ability to do stupid things.
I deny that my wife, however much she appears to be, is actually a goddess. Because, you know, monotheism.

Article 5

I affirm that postmillennialsm is cool, amillennialism is cool, premillennialism is a’ight, and dispensational premillennialism is totally bunk.
I deny that panmillennialism is any fun at all, and that Nicholas Cage should ever be associated with biblical eschatology.

Article 6

I affirm that The Legend of Zelda is the most excellent console gaming franchise, over and above Mario, Smash Bros, or any of that dumb stuff on Xbox or PlayStation (with the possible exception of Lord of the Rings: Conquest).
I deny that recognizing Zeldine superiority is a test of orthodoxy for Christians, though whoever denies it should be admonished in love.

Article 7

I affirm that Windows 10 is really pretty alright.
I deny that any distribution of Linux, however sexy, will be qualified to replace Windows altogether until they get a version of Microsoft OneNote, or at least get it working on Wine.

Article 8

I affirm that white supremacy is of the devil.
I deny that white self-flagellation is any better.

Article 9

I affirm that my baby Jonathan is the cutest baby on the planet.
I deny that any mother should take this to mean her baby isn’t the cutest baby on the planet.

Article 10

I affirm against the papacy!
I deny that I’m being serious. Lol jk, I luv you guise!

Article 11

I affirm that it is our Christian duty to speak the truth in love at all times.
I deny that this leaves out the important truth that Hillsong music isn’t very good.

Article 12

I affirm that Joan of Arc was of God, and that she was flippin’ awesome.
I deny that anyone who says otherwise deserves to live.

Article 13

I affirm that Lord of the Rings and its related works are infinitely better than A Song of Fire and Ice, as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be.
I deny that the reasons for this can be limited only to LOTR’s lack of gore, profanity, and debauchery, however important those factors may be.

Article 14

I affirm that the afffirmations and denials of the Nashville Statement are basically correct.
I deny that the statement is itself sufficient for much good, but requires for usefulness a complete evangelical theology of the body and sexuality, which sadly is missing from the preamble or most of the commentary on the statement.
I furthermore deny that this qualifier means I stand in any judgment over any of the signers, many of whom I greatly respect. In particular, Alastair Roberts is a great resource for some of what the statement itself lacks.



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7 Thoughts to “The Caleb Statement

    1. If you want a single and complete source, I have yet to run across one myself. My learning on this point has been from diverse places. I’m still hoping to find a solid book that puts it all together coherently.
      One of the sources most influential for me has been Alastair Roberts at his blog. He has a large number of insightful posts on theology and sexuality. He actually has a book coming out in March on these issues, called Heirs Together: A Theology of the Sexes, which is presently available for pre-order on Amazon. If it’s anything like I expect it to be, it will likely end up as my go-to source.

      1. Even though ithe Nashville Statement is not complete, it is not “sufficient for much good”? Would you say it is the most complete document of its type in existence?

        1. I think it is useful enough, and it addresses the most pressing surface level issues for the most part. Depending on how you define “its type,” I might agree that it’s the most complete example. Nonetheless, I think a key limitation is that what it comprehensively covers are the most visible and tangible points of controversy at present. While these need to be addressed, I don’t think that addressing the surface issues is the most crucial need right now. The whole reason we have to have these conversations at all now (at least within the Church) is because we have let the substructure, the underlying theological framework of sexuality and the body, fall into neglect and disrepair.
          To put it another way, if a Christian view of sexual issues is seen as a house, the Nashville Statement correctly identifies what parts of the walls, roof, and floors need to be repaired, but it fails to note that all of these have been damaged because the foundation is cracked. So however accurate the assessment of the above-ground situation and its necessary repairs may be, these cannot achieve their end until the foundation is restored. If the foundation is allowed to remain cracked or deteriorate further, then any repair work on the house itself will of necessity be only temporarily effective, and the house will begin in time to fall apart again, and possibly worse the next time around.
          The import of this analogy is that the Nashville Statement is correct inasmuch as it identified broken parts of sexual ethics and tells what they should look like when healthy. But it can’t solve these problems. None of this should be taken to imply that I therefore stand against the statement. To the contrary, I expect myself to sign it when I prepare to go into ministry. I simply think that all the signers should take great pains to work on the foundation, to form articulate expressions not just of the surface issues of the Nashville Statement but also the underlying understanding of human nature as embodied and sexed according to a divine design. Part of that will include confessing and repenting of evangelicalism’s own compromises with and complicity in the anti-Christian spirit of the sexually revolutionized age.

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