Time are tough. People disagree on lots of things. We Christians need to stand together on the big, important issues lest the rising tide of secularism sweep us all away and destroy the Gospel. To do this, I issue the following statement, and I hope that others will sign it to show their courage and solidarity with Christ. For He says, “whoever denies me before men, I also will deny before my Father who is in heaven.”
I affirm that bow-ties are cool and are the proper attire for all men of class and virtue, day or night.
I deny that wearing a bow-tie is sufficient for salvation, though the Christian will certainly be rewarded in heaven for doing so.
I affirm that lifelong celibacy is God’s will for more people than most would expect, particularly including my sister and most Game of Thrones fans.
I deny that lifelong celibacy is God’s will for pastors and priests. Take that, papists!
I affirm that God might have created Adam and Eve in 3930 BC.
I deny that I (or most anyone else) have any actual idea how or when creation took place.
I affirm that my wife is my superior in all respects except for the ability to do stupid things.
I deny that my wife, however much she appears to be, is actually a goddess. Because, you know, monotheism.
I affirm that postmillennialsm is cool, amillennialism is cool, premillennialism is a’ight, and dispensational premillennialism is totally bunk.
I deny that panmillennialism is any fun at all, and that Nicholas Cage should ever be associated with biblical eschatology.
I affirm that The Legend of Zelda is the most excellent console gaming franchise, over and above Mario, Smash Bros, or any of that dumb stuff on Xbox or PlayStation (with the possible exception of Lord of the Rings: Conquest).
I deny that recognizing Zeldine superiority is a test of orthodoxy for Christians, though whoever denies it should be admonished in love.
I affirm that Windows 10 is really pretty alright.
I deny that any distribution of Linux, however sexy, will be qualified to replace Windows altogether until they get a version of Microsoft OneNote, or at least get it working on Wine.
I affirm that white supremacy is of the devil.
I deny that white self-flagellation is any better.
I affirm that my baby Jonathan is the cutest baby on the planet.
I deny that any mother should take this to mean her baby isn’t the cutest baby on the planet.
I affirm against the papacy!
I deny that I’m being serious. Lol jk, I luv you guise!
I affirm that it is our Christian duty to speak the truth in love at all times.
I deny that this leaves out the important truth that Hillsong music isn’t very good.
I affirm that Joan of Arc was of God, and that she was flippin’ awesome.
I deny that anyone who says otherwise deserves to live.
I affirm that Lord of the Rings and its related works are infinitely better than A Song of Fire and Ice, as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be.
I deny that the reasons for this can be limited only to LOTR’s lack of gore, profanity, and debauchery, however important those factors may be.
I affirm that the afffirmations and denials of the Nashville Statement are basically correct.
I deny that the statement is itself sufficient for much good, but requires for usefulness a complete evangelical theology of the body and sexuality, which sadly is missing from the preamble or most of the commentary on the statement.
I furthermore deny that this qualifier means I stand in any judgment over any of the signers, many of whom I greatly respect. In particular, Alastair Roberts is a great resource for some of what the statement itself lacks.