The Caleb Statement

Preamble

Time are tough. People disagree on lots of things. We Christians need to stand together on the big, important issues lest the rising tide of secularism sweep us all away and destroy the Gospel. To do this, I issue the following statement, and I hope that others will sign it to show their courage and solidarity with Christ. For He says, “whoever denies me before men, I also will deny before my Father who is in heaven.”

Article 1

I affirm that bow-ties are cool and are the proper attire for all men of class and virtue, day or night.

I deny that wearing a bow-tie is sufficient for salvation, though the Christian will certainly be rewarded in heaven for doing so.

Article 2

I affirm that lifelong celibacy is God’s will for more people than most would expect, particularly including my sister and most Game of Thrones fans.

I deny that lifelong celibacy is God’s will for pastors and priests. Take that, papists!

Article 3

I affirm that God might have created Adam and Eve in 3930 BC.

I deny that I (or most anyone else) have any actual idea how or when creation took place.

Article 4

I affirm that my wife is my superior in all respects except for the ability to do stupid things.

I deny that my wife, however much she appears to be, is actually a goddess. Because, you know, monotheism.

Article 5

I affirm that postmillennialsm is cool, amillennialism is cool, premillennialism is a’ight, and dispensational premillennialism is totally bunk.

I deny that panmillennialism is any fun at all, and that Nicholas Cage should ever be associated with biblical eschatology.

Article 6

I affirm that The Legend of Zelda is the most excellent console gaming franchise, over and above Mario, Smash Bros, or any of that dumb stuff on Xbox or PlayStation (with the possible exception of Lord of the Rings: Conquest).

I deny that recognizing Zeldine superiority is a test of orthodoxy for Christians, though whoever denies it should be admonished in love.

Article 7

I affirm that Windows 10 is really pretty alright.

I deny that any distribution of Linux, however sexy, will be qualified to replace Windows altogether until they get a version of Microsoft OneNote, or at least get it working on Wine.

Article 8

I affirm that white supremacy is of the devil.

I deny that white self-flagellation is any better.

Article 9

I affirm that my baby Jonathan is the cutest baby on the planet.

I deny that any mother should take this to mean her baby isn’t the cutest baby on the planet.

Article 10

I affirm against the papacy!

I deny that I’m being serious. Lol jk, I luv you guise!

Article 11

I affirm that it is our Christian duty to speak the truth in love at all times.

I deny that this leaves out the important truth that Hillsong music isn’t very good.

Article 12

I affirm that Joan of Arc was of God, and that she was flippin’ awesome.

I deny that anyone who says otherwise deserves to live.

Article 13

I affirm that Lord of the Rings and its related works are infinitely better than A Song of Fire and Ice, as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be.

I deny that the reasons for this can be limited only to LOTR’s lack of gore, profanity, and debauchery, however important those factors may be.

Article 14

I affirm that the afffirmations and denials of the Nashville Statement are basically correct.

I deny that the statement is itself sufficient for much good, but requires for usefulness a complete evangelical theology of the body and sexuality, which sadly is missing from the preamble or most of the commentary on the statement.

I furthermore deny that this qualifier means I stand in any judgment over any of the signers, many of whom I greatly respect. In particular, Alastair Roberts is a great resource for some of what the statement itself lacks.

Signers

Me

The Caleb Statement

Do You Renounce the Devil and All of His Works?

Responses from theologians:

St. Athanasius
The Son of God became a Devil-renouncing man that I might renounce the Devil as a son of God.
Augustine of Hippo
God grant me to renounce the Devil, but not yet.
Thomas Aquinas
I answer that I do indeed renounce the Devil and all of his works, just as Augustine says, “God grant me to renounce the Devil.”
Martin Luther
Yes, especially his whore the pope!
John Calvin
I shall do as God has willed me to do by His all-wise, omnipotent predestination.
Albert Schweitzer
The Devil did not bother me as a master for long because I am too worthless a slave.
Rudolf Bultmann
Is the Devil anything more than a mythological husk?
Søren Kierkegaard
The tyrant dies and his rule is over, the martyr dies and his rule begins.
C. S. Lewis
Yes.
Karl Barth
In encounter with the God who makes Himself known as Jesus Christ, when He spoke His Word to me, I found myself freed for faith in Him. I am therefore compelled corem Deo to renounce the Devil and all his works.
T. F. Torrance
Jesus Christ has already renounced the Devil and all of his works for me, in His vicarious, obedient human life in unbroken union with the Father in the power of the Spirit.
N. T. Wright
I renounce “the Satan” and all of his works, although much of the Church, especially in the West, has for centuries done so without understanding what “the Satan” meant to first-century Jews like Jesus.
Peter Leithart
[Insert some creative, piercing insight into Devil-renunciation practices that involves sociology, anthropology, history, politics, and sacramental theology.]
John Piper
I renounce the Devil and all of his works for the glory of God, because of the supremacy of Christ, for He is the only thing that satisfies!
Peter Enns
Yeah, Jesus believed in the Devil, but should we?
Gregory Boyd
Hold on, I’m keeping God in suspense about what I will freely choose.
Roger Olson
Yes, I renounce the Calvinist God and all of his works.
Al Gore
I invented the Devil! (Oh, wait, he’s not a theologian.)
John MacArthur
I dunno, that sounds awfully Charismatic. Is this a trap?
Rob Bell
How can I renounce someone who might (I hope that doesn’t sound too dogmatic) one day be redeemed?
Rachel Held Evans
Would Jesus really be the kind of bigot who renounces people?
Chris Tomlin
You’re a bad, bad Devil. It’s who you are; it’s who you are; it’s who you are. And I renounce all your works. It’s what I do; it’s what I do; it’s what I do.
David Platt
That’s not radical enough. We must declare war on the Devil and all his works, give our everything to see him defeated no matter what the cost.
Jerry Falwell, Jr.
That depends what he has to offer politically.
James White
I renounce the Devil and all his works, which include Arminianism, Catholicism, the Federal Vision, and the New Perspective on Paul, among many other things which I expose masterfully on my show The Dividing Line.
Tim Keller
I realize that in our modern culture a lot of people have given up on belief in the Devil, but honestly, as I look at Scripture, I just think that’s terribly wrong. So, yes, I have to say I renounce the Devil and all of his works.
Andy Stanley
I mean, yeah, I renounce the Devil and everything, but how important is that, really? A lot of people can’t believe in a Devil these days, and I get that, so why not focus on Jesus and the Resurrection?
Francis Chan
Of course I renounce the Devil and all of his works! With a God who loves me with such a radical, crazy love, how could I even think about not returning it by renouncing the Devil? Now if you’ll excuse me, I think renouncing the Devil’s works means I need to finish renouncing and giving away my last few possessions.
Pope Francis
Who am I to judge?
Do You Renounce the Devil and All of His Works?

Holy Ha Ha Ha

What do churches and laser guns have in common? Pew.

I accepted Jesus as my savior, but He keeps using ‘Save As…’ and now there are more than 87 of me.

A man walks into a Presbyterian church during worship and they’re singing “I Have Decided to Follow Jesus.” (That’s it. That’s the joke.)

What do Calvinists sing when they give the invitation? “Que, Sera, Sera…”

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

Why wasn’t Jesus born in the USA? Because God couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

What do they call pastors in Germany? German Shepherds.

How do groups of angels greet each other? Halo, halo, halo.

Who was the smartest man in the Bible? Abraham. He knew a Lot.

Who was the fastest runner in the race? Adam, because he was first in the human race.

Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? Samson, because he brought the house down.

Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? Pharaoh’s daughter. She went down to the Nile and drew out a prophet.

Pickup lines:

Now I know why Solomon had 700 wives… Because he never met you.

Is it hot in here or is that just the Holy Spirit burning inside of you?

So last night I was reading in the book of Numbers, and I realized… I don’t have yours!

I didn’t believe in predestination until I met you tonight.

My spiritual gift is my good looks… It lifts people’s spirits.

Is this the transfiguration? Because you are glowing.

I used to believe in natural theology, but since I met you I’ve converted to divine revelation.

I believe one of my ribs belongs to you.

Is it a sin that you stole my heart?

Is your name Faith? Cause you’re the substance of things I’ve hoped for.

You make the Queen of Sheba look like a hobo.

Did you say your name was Esther? Oh, I guess I just thought you were chosen for such a time as this.

You and me, we’re like loaves and fishes. We just might be a miracle together.

I know you’ve already said no once, but call me Joshua because I’m going to break down your walls.

You are so unblemished that I would sacrifice you.

Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead.

How many times do I have to walk around you to make you fall for me?

I’d marry Leah if it meant I’d also get to marry you.

Holy Ha Ha Ha

More Jokes. They’re Not Even All About Calvinism!

…But the first one is:

The 12 Days of Calvinism

On the first day of Christmas my Calvin explained to me, the fallen nature of man.

On the second day of Christmas my Calvin explained to me, called and chosen, and the fallen nature of man.

On the third day of Christmas my Calvin explained to me, John chapter six, called and chosen, and the fallen nature of man.

On the fourth day of Christmas my Calvin explained to me, Synod of Dordt, John chapter six, called and chosen, and the fallen nature of man.

On the fifth day of Christmas my Calvin explained to me 5 GOLDEN POINTS! Synod of Dordt, John chapter six, called and chosen, and the fallen nature of man.

On the sixth day of Christmas my Calvin explained to me, world isn’t world, 5 GOLDEN POINTS! Synod of Dordt; John chapter six; called and chosen, and the fallen nature of man.

On the seventh day of Christmas my Calvin explained to me, predestination, world isn’t world, 5 GOLDEN POINTS! Synod of Dordt; John chapter six; called and chosen, and the fallen nature of man.

On the eighth day of Christmas my Calvin explained to me belief is a work, predestination, world isn’t world, 5 GOLDEN POINTS! Synod of Dordt; John chapter six; called and chosen, and the fallen nature of man.

On the ninth day of Christmas my Calvin explained to me, errors of middle knowledge, belief is a work, predestination, world isn’t world, 5 GOLDEN POINTS! Synod of Dordt; John chapter six; called and chosen, and the fallen nature of man.

On the tenth day of Christmas my Calvin explained to, Arminian heresy, errors of middle knowledge, belief is a work, predestination, world isn’t world, 5 GOLDEN POINTS! Synod of Dordt; John chapter six; called and chosen, and the fallen nature of man.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my Calvin explained to me, Romans 8-9; Arminian heresy, errors of middle knowledge, belief is a work, predestination, world isn’t world, 5 GOLDEN POINTS! Synod of Dordt; John chapter six; called and chosen, and the fallen nature of man.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my Calvin explained to me that I’m really a Calvin, Romans 8-9; Arminian heresy, errors of middle knowledge, belief is a work, predestination, world isn’t world, 5 GOLDEN POINTS! Synod of Dordt; John chapter six; called and chosen, and the fallen nature of man.

The Baptists

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: “Stop. Don’t do it.”

“Why shouldn’t I?” he asked.

“Well, there’s so much to live for!”

“Like what?”

“Are you religious?”

He said, “Yes.”

I said, “Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?”

“Christian.”

“Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?”

“Protestant.”

“Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?”

“Baptist.”

“Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?”

“Baptist Church of God.”

“Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?”

“Reformed Baptist Church of God.”

“Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?”

He said: “Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915.”

I said: “Die, heretic scum!” and pushed him off.

More Light Bulb Jokes

How many of these guys does it take to change a light bulb?

  • Church of Christ: Light bulbs aren’t in the Bible, so we don’t use them.
  • Catholics: None; they use candles. (However, they will consider commissioning an expensive stained glass window.)
  • Amish: What’s a light bulb?
  • Mormons: Just one man, with his 10 wives.
  • Baptists: 16. 5 for a committee to nominate people to the oversee the new light bulb committee, 5 for the light bulb committee, 1 to change the bulb, and 5 to cook fried chicken for the whole ordeal.
  • Pentecostals: Who needs light bulbs when the Holy Spirit is burning so brightly?
  • Lutherans: The bulb need not be changed, for God has declared it bright though it is simultaneously dark.

Kid Jokes

A Sunday school teacher asked her children, “Why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” A little girl replied, “Because so many people are sleeping!”

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her young charges. After explaining the commandment to “Honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill!”

At Sunday School the teacher was explaining how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when she described how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as if he were ill, and she asked, “Johnny, what’s the matter?” Little Johnny responded, “I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife!”

A Sunday School teacher said to her children, “We have been learning about how powerful the kings and queens were in Biblical times.  But there is an even higher power.  Who can tell me what it is?” George blurted out, “I know, Aces!”

Heaven Jokes

A priest and a bus driver both died and went to Heaven at the same time. They get to the pearly gates where Pope St. Peter greets them. He motions to the priest, and they both hop in a jeep and go out the back door. There are about 50 acres of rolling hills with a little cottage on the knoll.

St. Peter turns to the priest and says “This will be yours for eternity. A perfect little cottage, right next to lovely pond, a lush little garden, and a library full of books.”

The priest says, “Thank you so much. This I shall enjoy!” St. Peter drops off the priest, goes back to the pearly gates and motions to the bus driver.

They hop in a stretch limo and go out the front door. There are about 500 acres of land, with mountains and lakes and rivers. There is a huge 200-room castle on one of the mountains, and a wishing well that makes wishes come true. St. Peter says “This will be yours for eternity. You can live in that castle with servants to wait on you hand and foot, and you can have everything you want.”

The bus driver looks and St. Peter and says “Well, now, don’t think I’m not grateful, but why am I getting so much more than the priest?”

St. Peter just laughs and says “You brought more souls to Heaven! When the priest preached, everyone fell asleep. When you drove your bus, people prayed!”


Three men have just arrived in Heaven, and they are all waiting outside of a room for a debriefing interview with St. Peter.

The first man is an old mystic, and he is called into the room. He is in there for about an hour, and when he comes out he has tears of joy and relief streaming down his face. He is overheard saying to himself: “I was afraid I was wrong about so many things!”

The second man is an evangelical pastor. After he is called into the room, he is in there for a few hours. When he comes out, he’s shaking his head in disbelief, and he looks troubled. He says to himself as he leaves: “I can’t believe I was so foolish!”

The third man is called in. He is a fundamentalist, and he goes into the room with an old Bible – the King James Version – that is dog eared and has bookmarks all over. He’s in there for days. Finally, the doors open and Jesus comes out saying, “I can’t believe it! I was wrong about everything!”


Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, “Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what’s your story?”

So the first man replies: “Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he wouldn’t fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn’t stand that for long, so he let go and fell—but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony.”

“That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

“It’s been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn’t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I’m here.”

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. “Picture this,” says the third man, “I’m hiding inside a refrigerator…”


Augustine dies and in heaven he gets some time to talk with God. When he comes out he says, “Now I understand the beauty of the Trinity!”

John Calvin dies and goes in to see God. When he comes out he says, “Now I understand predestination!”

Karl Barth dies and goes in to see God. Some time later God comes out and says, “I have no idea what he is talking about!”


A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together. St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homes where they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter’s holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, “Here is your home for the rest of eternity. Enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.”

Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says “Here you go” and goes to leave when the forester says “Hey, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?”

St. Peter says: “Well, foresters are a dime a dozen here, but we have never had a lawyer before.”


Three men were killed in a plane crash. An American, a Scotsman, and a Canadian. When they got up to the gates, they started whining that their lives had been taken too early. The gatekeeper agreed, but they had to pay forty bucks to go back down to earth.

When the American got down there, people asked him where the other two were. “Well, I just payed the $40. The Scottish guy’s haggling, and the Canadian is waiting for the government to pay it for him.”

A Couple Random Jokes with No Better Category

A woman and her nagging, grumpy husband went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the husband died. The undertaker told the wife “I could ship your husband’s body back home to be buried, but it will cost you $10,000. Instead, I could just bury him right here in the Holy Land and it will only cost you $100.”The wife thought about it for awhile, and then told him to just ship him back home. The undertaker was perplexed. “But it will cost you $10,000 to ship him back, why not just do it here?”

The wife replied: “I heard that a man died here once, was buried, and after three days, he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”


How do you get a professional theological blogger/author off your porch?
Pay him for your pizza

Chicken Crossing Jokes

Theologians (and not-really-theologians) answer: “Why did the chicken cross the road?”

Greg Boyd: It was always an open possibility that the chicken would cross the road. Not even God knew ahead of time what it would do.

Rick Warren: It was a purpose-driven chicken.

Rachel Held Evans: The chicken was commanded by God to stay on this side of the road, but it failed the test, and maybe that’s okay, because a God who says things like that might not be the real God.

John Piper: God decreed that the chicken would cross the road to maximize His glory.

Irenaeus: By crossing the road, the chicken undid all of the sin of its ancestors in refusing to cross the road, and by its obedience canceled their disobedience.

C. S. Lewis: If a chicken finds itself with a desire that nothing on this side can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that it was created for the other side.

Fred Phelps:  God hates chickens.

Martin Luther: The chicken was leaving Rome because the Pope is an excellent person, as skillful, clever, and versed in Holy Scripture as a cow in a walnut tree or a sow on a harp.

Tim LaHaye: The chicken was afraid of being left behind.

Joel Osteen: The chicken wanted to live his best life now, and he had to find that fulfillment on the other side of the road.

Mark Driscoll: The chicken crossed the road to be a man! But wait. Hey! That [expletive deleted] chicken stole my beer!

N. T. Wright: This act of the chicken, which would be unthinkable in British barnyards, reeks of that American individualism that is destructive to community.

Karl Barth: The chicken crossed the road because it found itself in encounter with the God of the Gospel who appears in Jesus Christ, and in midst of that act of revelation found himself freed, freed for faith, faith to cross the road.

John Calvin: The chicken was predestined to cross the road.


BY WORKS?!?!?!?

 

More Jokes. They’re Not Even All About Calvinism!

A Few Silly Christian Jokes

Christian jokes. Gotta’ love ’em. Without further ado, here’s what I got:

Baptist Jokes

You might be a Southern Baptist if:

  • You think God’s presence is strongest on the back three pews.
  • Your definition of fellowship has something to do with food.
  • You honestly believe that the Apostle Paul spoke King James English.
  • You think Jesus actually used Welch’s grape juice and saltine crackers.
  • You think someone who says “Amen” while the preacher is preaching might be a Charismatic.
  • You clapped in church and felt guilty about it all week.
  • You got saved at 6 years old.
  • You are old enough to get a senior discount at the pharmacy, but not old enough to promote to the Senior Adult Sunday School.
  • You judge all church meals by the quantity and quality of the fried chicken.
  • You’ve ever gossipped about how much someone else gossips.
  • You have never sung the third verse of any hymn.
Why don’t Baptists believe in premarital sex?
Because it might lead to dancing.
What’s the difference between a Pentecostal and a Baptist?
One believes in a second blessing and one believes in a second helping.

Jews don’t recognize Jesus as the Son of God.
Protestants don’t recognize the pope as the Ruler of the Church.
Baptists don’t recognize each other in a liquor store.

One day a man dies, who was a devout Christian. Saint Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and begins to give him a tour of Heaven. As the tour goes on, Saint Paul points out all the different Christians. “There’s the Catholics, there’s the Lutherans, the Methodists, the Presbyterians”, and so forth. As they come to this one group way off to themselves, Saint Paul motions for the man to come closer and whispers. “Now, for this next group, we need to be really quiet. They are the Baptists and they think they’re the only ones here.”

How do we know Adam was Baptist? Only a Baptist could stand next to a naked woman and be tempted by food.

A teacher asked her students to bring an item to class that represented their religious beliefs. A Catholic student brought a crucifix. A Jewish student brought a Menora. A Southern Baptist student brought a casserole.

A Dictionary of Arminian Terms

  • All (1): All always means all. Yup, Jesus died for every single human, including those already dead and in hell, and even including himself.
    (2): (as to sin) If its related to sin, “all” doesn’t include babies.
  • Arminius, Jacob: The first church father.
  • Assurance: Keep trying, hopefully you’ll make it, but since you have libertarian free will, you could just flip sides one day. Never can tell.
  • Bible: Cool book with stories that can be used as springboards into inspiring sermons about nothing to do with the text whatsoever. (See exegesis.)
  • Calvinism: We love everyone, because God is love. Calvinists are devil worshipers, their God is the devil, and Calvinism is a devil worshiping doctrine. We love them.
  • Calvin, John: Satan incarnated.
  • Dead (1): (as to Christ) Really, complete dead. Unable to see, hear, or respond to stimuli.
    (2): (as to Adam’s posterity) Somewhat sick. It’s hard to see, hear, or respond to the Gospel.
  • Determinism: False Calvinist teaching that God makes sure that his plan will come about.
  • Devil Worship: What Calvinism leads to. (Really.)
  • Drawing: Wooing. Usage example: “Drawing doesn’t mean God will surely bring men to himself, he (now, pooch lips out, making a small opening, and, in a low voice say) woooos them.”
  • Effectual call: Unbiblical Calvinist doctrine. Just as Calvinists try to make unwarranted leaps from physical death to spiritual death, they also make unwarranted leaps from earthly careers like “Shepherding,” viz., “My sheep hear my voice, I know them, they follow me,” to how God brings in his people in the flock, er fold, er, group.
  • Election: God’s “choosing” of people who chose him first. Kind of like me “voting” for the president after November 4th, 2008.
  • Evil: Something God cannot decree (except in the case of Jesus since God decreed his death at the purposeful hands of humans)
  • Exegesis: What?

A Dictionary of Calvinist Terms

  • All (1): (as to salvation) The elect. Duh.
    (2): (as to sin) All means all, and that’s all all means.
  • Arminianism: see false Gospel.
  • Arminius, Jacob: Father of heresies.
  • Assurance: If you’re elect, you’re guaranteed a spot in heaven. No worries. Nothing can separate you from the love of God. How do you know you’re elect? Well…
  • Bible: Book with lots of random references to Calvinism.
  • Calvinism: A nickname for the Gospel.
  • Calvin, John: The only divinely inspired prophet since the closing of the canon.
  • Determinism: God determined from eternity past how your child will die.
  • Drawing: Forceful and irresistible, but altogether pleasant, dragging by God.
  • Effectual call: When God flicks the switch in your heart to make you love Him for realsies. But He only does that to the elect.
  • Election: How God segregated the human race into Calvinists and everyone else.
  • Evil: God’s clever invented enemy He crushed to make Himself look good.
  • Exegesis: The art of making all of the Bible Calvinist.

Light Bulb Denominational Jokes

How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
One, since his/her hands are in the air anyway.
How many Calvinists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.
How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
10, as they need to hold a debate into whether or not the lightbulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the lightbulb they may not go ahead and change it for fear of alienating those who use fluorescent tubes.
How many Anglo-Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They always use candles instead.
How many Arminians does it take to change a light bulb?
Arminians do not change light bulbs. They simply read out the instructions and hope the light bulb will decide to change itself.
How many Atheists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. But they are still in darkness.
How many Brethren does it take to change a light bulb?
Change??
How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness.
How many TV evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.
How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.
How many charismatics does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three. One to cast it out and two to catch it when it falls.

Cheesy Dialogue Jokes

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.

“Not Gutenberg?” gasped the collector.

“Yes, that was it!”

“You idiot! You’ve thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!”

“Oh, I don’t think this book would have been worth anything close to that much,” replied the man. “It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther.”


There was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his customers more than he had been doing lately. So the next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said, “Today I am going to witness to the first man that walks through my door.”

Soon after he opened his shop the first man came in and said, “I want a shave!” The barber said, “Sure, just sit in the seat and I’ll be with you in a moment.” The barber went in the back and prayed a quick desperate prayer saying, “God, the first customer came in and I’m going to witness to him. So give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say to him. Amen.”

Then quickly the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying “Good morning sir. I have a question for you… Are you ready to die?”


A boy was sitting on a park bench with one hand resting on an open Bible. He was loudly exclaiming his praise to God. “Hallelujah! Hallelujah! God is great!” he yelled without worrying whether anyone heard him or not.

Shortly after, along came a man who had recently completed some studies at a local university. Feeling himself very enlightened in the ways of truth and very eager to show this enlightenment, he asked the boy about the source of his joy.

“Hey” asked the boy in return with a bright laugh, “Don’t you have any idea what God is able to do? I just read that God opened up the waves of the Red Sea and led the whole nation of Israel right through the middle.”

The enlightened man laughed lightly, sat down next to the boy and began to try to open his eyes to the “realities” of the miracles of the Bible. “That can all be very easily explained. Modern scholarship has shown that the Red Sea in that area was only 10-inches deep at that time. It was no problem for the Israelites to wade across.”

The boy was stumped. His eyes wandered from the man back to the Bible laying open in his lap. The man, content that he had enlightened a poor, naive young person to the finer points of scientific insight, turned to go. Scarcely had he taken two steps when the boy began to rejoice and praise louder than before. The man turned to ask the reason for this resumed jubilation.

“Wow!” exclaimed the boy happily, “God is greater than I thought! Not only did He lead the whole nation of Israel through the Red Sea, He topped it off by drowning the whole Egyptian army in 10 inches of water!”

Pearly Gates Jokes

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven.
There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No?
St. Peter told him that’s bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No?
St. Peter told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No?
St. Peter was becoming concerned. Exasperated, Peter says, “Look, everybody does something nice sometime.
Work with me, I’m trying to help. Now think!”

The man says, “There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell’s Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face”.

“Wow”, said Peter, “That’s impressive. When did this happen”?
“Oh, about 10 minutes ago”, replied the man.


Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.

Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, “Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what’s your story?”

So the first man replies: “Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he wouldn’t fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn’t stand that for long, so he let go and fell — but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony.”

“That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

“It’s been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn’t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I’m here.”

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

“Picture this,” says the third man, “I’m hiding inside a refrigerator…”

A Few Silly Christian Jokes

10 Step Guide to Defeating the Cult of Calvin

All credit goes here: http://solareformed.blogspot.com/2011/06/10-step-guide-to-defeating-cult-of.html

  1. Ensure that you bring up John Calvin as soon as possible. It is a great idea to get the audience on your side early, and what better way than accusing the opposition of “worshipping a man”. Bring up John Calvin before the Calvinist does. The debate becomes too theological if the Calvinist quotes Calvin theologically.
  2. Remember to filter all of God’s attributes through His attribute of love. Keep the other attributes of God a secret. Remember to never let the Bible dictate your definition of God’s love: Christians can certainly learn a lot about love form Brangelina. Rob Bell’s new book “Love Wins” will help you here.
  3. When the Calvinist posts Bible verses, don’t fret… yet. Sometimes silence is good, therefore there can be nothing wrong with arguing from silence. If a verse makes you feel uneasy, it does not have to be true for you. “Doctrine divides” is a good slogan here: the alliteration makes it catchy too, which makes Christianity “hip and happening.”
  4. When occasions arise where the Holy Spirit used the wrong word, make sure you make this known. For example, Paul really meant “post-destination” rather than “predestination,” and “called” actually means that God shouted out and pleaded. To avoid these words, it can be handy to pick up a children’s Bible or a paraphrase. Too much effort to flip the pages? Your personal experience will do fine!
  5. Continue reading “10 Step Guide to Defeating the Cult of Calvin”

10 Step Guide to Defeating the Cult of Calvin